The Green Wife

There is nothing like a trip to Wal-Mart on a Sunday afternoon to remind me just how…um…different people are. As I’m sitting here reminiscing about the mullets, the waist-at-armpit-level pants, and the parents who freely scream at their children in the store, I’m thinking I’ll just make you a list of all the things I love (please insert sarcastic tone here) about people…some of these things inspired by Wal-Mart and some just inspired by life in general.

Guys who wear their jeans so huge and so low, that they literally have to hold them up while walking…sometimes this even requires both hands. Sounds like a very efficient way to shop to me.

People who walk with a limp on purpose because it makes them look cool. Or tough. Or like a halfwit. Whatever look they’re going for. I’m still not sure on that one…

Nascar shirts. Especially the ones that look like they haven’t been washed in 4.7 years. Oh and by the way….they weren’t intended to double as maternity fashion.

Bangs riding high and stiff, proud of their 1980s heritage.

Families that travel in packs. You’ll see a couple, their kids maybe, 3 maiden aunts, 2 great-uncles and a grandmother…and they just came for a loaf of bread. Do you really have that little to do with your life? I’m all about family time, but really…?

There was a woman there carrying a baby that was approximately 3 months old. The woman was wearing a tank top and shorts…and enormous bear paw slippers. I have 2 hang-ups with this one. A) How dangerous is it to navigate in those huge things while precariously balancing a tiny baby on your shoulder? B) Were they ANY easier to put on than, say…a pair of flip-flops?

Parents who actually go INTO the school cafeteria in the morning in their pajamas. Really? I understand rushed mornings. I do. My thoughts: If you can’t get dressed in time to go in public, then stay in your car and just drop your child off. OR…perhaps take the extra time to get ready while your child eats breakfast at home instead.

Back to Wal-Mart. I have to hit upon the slack jaw/blank stare once more. The severity of this occurrence seems to vary from town to town, but there’s never a shortage of it in any Wal-Mart. You’ve seen them…these people, they wander slowly around, expressionless…except for the jaw hanging loosely open. Are they even aware of where they are? Or why they came? Or were they just transplanted directly into Wal-Mart from another planet and are experiencing sensory overload as they experience the…the…the…nirvana that is Wal-Mart? Just step aside, people. The rest of us have a common goal…get in and get out. ASAP.

Let’s take this outside. To the parking lot, to be specific. When those people who worked so hard and long on constructing that said lot painting those pretty lines on the asphalt…it was for your benefit. Not only do they guide you in which direction you should be driving, but they also tell you exactly where to place your vehicle. It was really very kind of them. Yet people disrespect the asphalt painters and without fail, you find 45% of people cannot muster the effort to park between those perfect lines.

Couples that wear matching clothes. On purpose. And think they’re cute.

I’ve noticed several cases of 40-50 year old men tucking wife-beater shirts into their high-waisted jeans that taper down to their hiking boots. Wow.

Well, me oh my. Upon reading this, I find that it sounds an awful lot like a rant. I try to not rant as much as possible…but Wal-Mart can be quite inspiring.